Infinitive Splitter

You might remember a story from a few years ago that involved lots of activist-y types going berserk over an Urban Outfitters shirt that said “Voting is for Old People.” I thought it was funny — and I wanted one of those shirts — but the tut-tutters of the youth-vote movement got UO to stop selling them, so convinced were they that this was the one ironic-message shirt whose advice young people would take literally.

Now the old people have a joke (or something) of their own: AARP this week unveiled a website at dontvote.com (short for “Don’t vote until you know where the candidates stand on the issues”).

AARP must have thousands of employees. Nobody saw this idea and said, “hey, wait a minute, you guys…”?

DontVote.com. For real.

Good news, heathen babies: God might be changing His mind!

For nearly a year the Church’s International Theological Commission has been working on a document expected to recommend he formally abolish limbo, the place where centuries of Catholic tradition held that babies who die without baptism went.

The Pope said a mass with members of the commission on Friday morning, but, contrary to some media speculation, he did not mention the concept in his homily and announced no decision.

The media reports had said the Pope would formally cancel limbo on Friday but a key participant, Italian Archbishop Bruno Forte, said the 30-member commission were still fine-tuning their document.

“The Pope did not mention it today in his homily. We are still working on the document. No vote has been taken. I think nothing will be ready to hand up to him until 2007,” he told Reuters by telephone after the morning mass with the Pontiff.

How come a bunch of living dudes in Italy get to vote on what kind of afterlife we get?

Talk about an uninformed electorate!

A good buddy and alert reader (of newspapers, not this website) sent me a maddeningly irrelevant New York Times story on hand-holding and asked if I could spot the evidence of liberal bias. Helpfully, he highlighted this paragraph:

Usually it connotes something innocuous and sweet about a couple and their relationship. In rare instances, it takes on added potency, such as when President George W. Bush held the hand of Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia in Crawford, Tex., last year — an act of respect and affection in Arab countries — reminding some people of the film “Fahrenheit 9/11,” which depicted the Bush family’s close business ties to Saudi leaders and which ignited conspiracy theories.

Yes, that does seem rather gratuitous in a style-section story about G-rated public displays of affection. But I fear that life in liberal New York has softened my tipster’s eye for bias.

Some examples he missed:

• References to Beatles, Justin Timberlake, and 50 Cent songs, but a conspicuous absence of lyrics by Big N Rich or Keith Urban.
• Sociology and “family relations and human sexuality” professors quoted as experts.
• Flagrant use of the words sex, gay and university in a family newspaper.
• No good news about Iraq.

Unconscionable.

Here’s my last word on the Pirates’ season: yeeesh. As I said two weeks ago, the Pirates had to win three of their last nine games to finish the season with an improved record over last year. On the day I posted that, as you might expect, they lost the second of what would turn out to be eight consecutive games. They won their last two for a final record of 67-95 — exactly the same as last year.

Kudos to Freddy Sanchez, though, for winning the National League batting title with the highest average for a Pirate since Roberto Clemente’s .345 in 1969.

Anyway.

The playoffs are now upon us, so I guess it’s time to choose sides. Here’s my thinking (starting with the easy ones):

New York Yankees. Fuck em.

Detroit Tigers. Fuck em, too. Jim Leyland and the rest of the former Pirates on the Tigers’ coaching staff can take a short pier and walk it.

New York Mets. The Mets are the more sympathetic of the New York teams, but only because the Yankees (and their fans) are so repulsive. No team from New York can win my support.

Minnesota Twins. As an adopted Washingtonian, I note with interest that this team got its start after moving to Minnesota from Washington, whereupon they ceased to be the Senators and became the Twins. This happened in 1960, so… meh. More importantly, they won a World Series in 1991, one of the three years in my lifetime the Pirates should have won it, and that’s the match-point against them.

San Diego Padres. Who cares?

St. Louis Cardinals. I was in St. Louis once for about two hours. It was okay. I don’t have any strong feelings about the Cardinals, but winning the National League Central division with the Pirates 16.5 games behind you is not the way to get on my good side.

Los Angeles Dodgers. Los Angeles is one of those cities I have never visited and hate anyway. I work with a nice guy who happens to be a Dodgers fan, though, so I suppose they’re my National League pick.

Oakland Athletics. Yeah, I loved Moneyball, but it’s easy to like these guys anyway. They have the smallest total payroll of any playoff team (the Twins are close, at $1.1 million above them, but the Yankees spend more than three times as much), and they play in Oakland, which — given the Raiders’ prospects — needs something to cheer about.

Go A’s.