Infinitive Splitter

I am in New York’s Adirondack Park for the week, in a lake-front cottage a mile outside of a small town that has, I believe, one stop-sign. There is a business in the town that quadruples as a bar, restaurant, video-rental store and internet cafe. The food and drink are lovely, the video selection is disorganized and wanting for new releases, and 30 minutes of internet time costs $5.

Across the street is the town’s public library, which broadcasts a free, strong, unsecured wireless signal at all hours of the day. Crucially, though, there are no electrical outlets within range of the benches outside; the nearest public juice is in the bar.

It’s possible to plug in at the bar and connect to the free internet across the street, but that’s a bit too dishonest for me. It’s true that $10 for 60 minutes is theft of its own kind, but the superior view of the lake, the access to cheap alcohol and the free-flowing alternating current combine to help me justify the cost.

(And once I’ve spent my hour and charged my battery, I go back outside to finish my reading and blogging and electronic-mailing, for free, from the relative discomfort of my car.)

There’s nothing funny about the dogfighting and other crimes with which Michael Vick has been charged.

But this is different.

Embattled NFL quarterback Michael Vick, facing federal charges related to his alleged participation in dogfighting, has been hit with a “$63,000,000,000 billion dollar” lawsuit filed by a South Carolina inmate who alleges the Atlanta Falcons star stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy “missiles from Iran,” FOX News has learned.

Emphasis added. By my calculation, “$63,000,000,000 billion dollars” works out to “63,000,000,000,000,000,000 (dollars^2),” or “63 quintillion square dollars.”

UPDATE: As I should have expected, Fox News got it wrong.  The three-page, handwritten complaint (pdf) includes a demand for “63,000,000,000 Billion dollars backed by gold and silver,” but there is no dollar sign; the wronged inmate seeks a mere $63 quintillion.

It seems that I wasn’t alone on Tuesday in finding a lot to wonder about in newly acquired Pirates pitcher Matt Morris’ stats. Since then, ESPN has called Pirates GM Dave Littlefield’s decision to trade for Morris “bizarre” and “inexcusable.” Yahoo! said, “Matt Morris? Really?”

Just for fun, here are some Matt Morris charts that don’t have downward trendlines.

WHIP. A pitcher with 1 or fewer “Walks and Hits per Inning Pitched” is doing really well.

How about another with an upward trajectory?

One more thing: according to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s Dejan Kovacevic, Morris is the highest-paid player in Pirates history.

Go Steelers!